JP Morgan criminal CEO Jamie Dimon: “It’s a free f**king country”

“I’m an outspoken defender of the truth,” JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon feverishly maintains in an interview published today. In the interview, he continuously contends that the press and the country have it all wrong about JP Morgan. He seemingly separates JP Morgan out from the current-leading  American banking foe of Europe, Goldman Sachs, and the other Too Big To Fail financials. His is a good company, and American company. Behind the peppy, defensive surface – the interviewer likens Dimon to an overgrown frat boy – the bank has spent billions in litigation, as the lawsuits and investigations pertaining to JPMorgan fill eight-pages of the firm’s quarterly filing (10Q), more than 9,000 words.

Jamie Dimon

Banks, their corrupted bravado, and the talk of their being responsible for the world’s woes since 2008, has led me, and I am sure plenty others, to increased drinking. Macallan’s 12, Pinot Noir, India Pale Ale’s. Green Tea. Whatever. But, what many oftentimes forget to remember is the basic truth that this is the way that it’s always been. Jesus even had banks and bankers on his shit-list.

Somebody needs to get this information to Jamie Dimon, stat. His delusion that JPMorgan is different from the rest of his industry is clearly a danger to the country. He is delusional to think that his company has not historically helped to grease the wheels of the highest levels of fraud in history.

Dear Jamie Dimon,

I am in no way a religious or praying man. But I thought you should know this: you would have been on Jesus’ shit-list.



Jamie Dimon testimony

The country is pissed at bankers, but Jamie Dimon doesn’t like it when people use the superlative to refer to their universal and murderous corruption, such as the phrases “all bankers,” or “all banks:”

“I don’t buy this thing that our industry is responsible for all the ills of the world,” the CEO of JPMorgan said recently to an audience of students eager to begin their working careers. He was responding to a general undertone detected in the tone of the questioners. “We have great people at JPMorgan Chase. We operate with a lot of rigor. Our clients are happy with us. Sure, we make mistakes, like we have got this Whale thing. Businesses make mistakes. So we’ve got to clean them up, learn from them, and get better. And I want you to know the London Whale issue is dead,” he says. “The Whale has been harpooned. Dessicated. Cremated. I am going to bury its ashes all over.”

The Whale Thing?

Jamie, I am sure you wish that you only had the “Whale Thing” to fill up your restless thoughts. Unless, the only reason you concern yourself over the Whale Thing is because the press caught hold of it and the story went viral.

Like the fence-sitters at Huffington Post put it: “Jamie Dimon probably wishes he were more like Jay-Z: It must be nice to have only 99 problems.”,

  • Libor, $500 Billion
  • Mortgage Backed Securities, Bad Mortgages, Bad Debt , $130 billion.
  • Mortgage Foreclosures $25 billion settlement with the government over mortgage-foreclosure abuses.

Ok. That equals $6.75357e11 in fraud at JPMorgan. I don’t even know what that number means. Let’s see if I can remember high school math class through the haze of marijuana:

6.75357e11 = 6.75357 x (10 raised to the 11th power) = WTF?

Even before these abuses and lawsuits are considered, Jamie admits that “There’s a tail” to the “Whale Thing.”

“I saw it all pass in front of my eyes,” he dramatically recalls as if he was the quarterback retelling the championship game. “I saw the headlines, the investigations, the uproar, the breathlessness. ‘Dimon Loses Luster,’ ‘Dimon in the Rough.’ I told everyone, ‘This is going to be bad, it’s going to go on, and we can’t get out of it. So put your jerseys on: We’re going to wrestle this thing down and fix it.’ ”

On Meet the Press he told the nation: “We made a terrible, egregious mistake,” but “We cleaned up the risk. It scared the daylights out of our people. We crossed the t’s and dotted the i’s and put in new rules, and we’re fine.”

He played the champion of the small banker: “Everyone is afraid of retaliation and retribution. We recently had an event with a hundred small bankers here, and 85 percent of them said they can’t challenge the regulation because of the potential retribution. That’s a terrible thing. Okay?”

He wasn’t expecting, however,  to be called-upon to testify about his banks’ losses.  And why should he have? Dimon was respected in Washington like he owned the town.

“That Jamie Dimon, he’s wonderful” one female senatorial staffer is reported to have said last year, with “an unmistakable blush rising on her cheeks.”

Jamie Dimon does not like the government meddling in his business.  He wants the United States to remain the Capitalist county it has been. He has been vocal about his opposition to legislation like the Volcker Rule: “Paul Volcker by his own admission has said he doesn’t understand capital markets,” Dimon told Fox Business sometime ago.

He laments that the “Whale Thing” had offered up a great opportunity for renewed debate about government regulation of the private sector: “This was perfect for everyone who was pushing for more regulation,” he said. “We handed it to them on a silver platter. And then I made that stupid comment about a tempest in a teapot.”

“It’s such a large number, but if you put it in perspective a little bit, if you had a $100 million market-cap bank that made something like $3 million that quarter and lost $3 million, you wouldn’t even talk about it,” he details. “That’s what this was. We didn’t even lose money this quarter. We earned $5 billion. The analysts estimate us having a record year.”

A record-year Jamie? It would not be a record-year were JPMorgue not a cadaver kept alive by U.S. taxpayer blood and sweat.  As I wrote in June:

Is JPMorgan worried about its potential $18 billion dollar loss? Perhaps not, when it could be offset by $14 billion in United States taxpayer subsidies – that’s 77 percent of its total net income in the last four quarters! And this comes as no surprise as over the last several decades governments and central banks around the world have shown willingness to keep their banking brethren solvent in times of opportunity bringing crisis.

“Did I ever consider resigning?” he asks preemptively before the interviewer goes there. “No.”People and companies make mistakes. I guarantee we’ll make a mistake next quarter. So what? Businesses make mistakes. Hopefully smaller, and fewer.”

Of course not. Why would he with the aforementioned free money? Americans on the streets oft complain about their neighbors living off the government – to the tune of nearly $2,000 a month for many. But, in so placing the blame on their neighbor, they do not see the real parasite sucking on them and their families – the welfare that “people” like  TBTF corporations receive.

Jamie Dimon defends the welfare-dependent Too Big to Fail model, presumably for the entire industry:

“There are huge benefits to size. We bank Caterpillar in like 40 countries. We can do a $20 billion bridge loan overnight for a company that’s about to do a major acquisition. Size lets us build a $500 million data center that speeds up transactions and invest billions of dollars in products like ATMs and apps that allow your iPhone to deposit checks. We move $2 trillion a day, and you can see it by account, by company. These aren’t, like, little things. And they accrue to the customer. That’s what capitalism is.”

Jamie Dimon has got one thing right: “The whole world has become crazy. Businesses get attacked every time they do something.”

And Jamie is right. But, the difference is not every business that gets “attacked” is party to unfathomable degrees of fraud.

“Everyone is talking about the culture, the culture, and all that, and it’s just not true. Most bankers are decent, honorable people. We’re wrapped up in all this crap right now. We made a mistake. We’re sorry. It doesn’t detract from all the good things we’ve done. I am not responsible for the financial crisis, I hate to tell you. We were a port of safety in the storm. I find it unbelievable that that is the general theme—that you have to walk in a room and act like you are responsible for things you are not responsible for.”

Jamie, we are all wrapped up in this crap right now, and we know that most people are decent, honorable people. We know this. And, everybody is talking about the culture, and all that, because the culture has got to change. It is a mistake. At this point, the level of fraud by demise-of-the-state transnational corporations,banks,  thuggish governments and international organizations is detracting from all the good. There has to be, however, some reason why you have multiple agencies after you.

We are all responsible for the financial crisis. Some more than others. By tiptoeing around the real issues deeply embedded within the mechanisms of the machine we allow the forever crisis to go on. You were not “a port of safety in the storm.” The storm took its toll and resulted in the deaths of hundreds of millions. The cash you pass abets “financial holocaust” as it has been said.  50% of Americans are at the poverty line and below.

“This is not the Soviet Union,” Jamie said at the interviews close. “This is the United States of America. It’s a free. Fucking. Country.”

This is the Soviet Union, Jamie. The flurry of regulations, the amount of incarcerations, the raping of the economic base of the country all point towards that this is the Soviet Union and you are one of its oligarchs. You are party. “It’s not a free. Fucking. Country,” Jamie. But it will be.

What side of history will it be, Jamie? Will you recognize the mafia counterfeiting ring of which you are a part or will you continue being one of the main personalities for it in the United States? It is a global fraud, you know. Will you risk your life by speaking out against it? Will you implore your connections to use their potentially critical mass to influence civilization for the good? Or will you continue with the Hunger Games?

Jamie Dimon heckled